SIGNPOSTS
Self-trust
by Glynis Ferguson
How do we learn to trust again when perhaps as children we were not taken care of, or as adults our hearts get broken and we feel betrayed? If we want peace of mind, we need to learn to trust - trust ourselves, trust others and trust the process of life.
When Gwennie came to me for coaching, she said her goal was to gain confidence and a feeling of self-worth, to have freedom from negative self-talk. Her father had abandoned the family when she was eight years old. As a young teenager she had been sexually abused by her stepfather and her mother turned a blind eye to it.
Her parents didn't keep her safe; they didn't take care of her needs. Consequently, she didn't feel loved, valued or respected. She felt she had no worth and was unable to trust.
As an adult, she had no trust in her ability to make decisions. She constantly sought approval and had to do things "right", according to what others thought was "right".
By paying more attention to other people's opinions than her own, she was giving her power away. She also didn't trust the sincerity of her partner's "I love you". She complained that the relationship was unequal, that her partner did not respect her.
I asked Gwennie to look at how she loved herself, how she stood in her relationships. Gwennie learned that her fear of rejection caused her to do everything to avoid it, including rejecting herself before she could be rejected by others.
She had to do the one thing she feared most - learn to trust herself and risk being vulnerable, being rejected. She needed to learn to respect and value herself enough to think of herself first. She had to trust her own thoughts, feelings and actions, and listen to her intuition. Trusting ourselves first is the key to trusting others. When we trust another person we are trusting our evaluation of them.
Gwennie chose to begin treating herself with respect. Here are some of the things she decided to do:
- Speak what was true for her, share her thoughts, beliefs and feelings. To do this, she first had to define herself.
- Create boundaries, learn to count on herself to say yes and no when she needed to.
- Let go of good or bad decisions and know that as long as she was making choices it's part of the journey.
- Treat herself kindly and stop the negative self-talk. She kept on track by asking herself, "Is what I am saying loving, compassionate, kind, empowering or insightful?"
- Believe absolutely she had her own answers. She asked "If I didn't worry about anyone else's approval or ask anyone else's opinion, what would I do now?"
- Take risks.
- Act as if the world was for her and to love life.
So Gwennie risked hosting a barbecue without seeking perfection, without fearing she had nothing to contribute socially. She risked going kayaking for the first time, trusting that she looked good enough in her wetsuit, and had fun with the seals. She risked having a conversation with her mother-in-law about interference. It led to a huge leap in her selfconfidence. She trusted her mother to look after her toddler, and reconnected with her partner. Finally, she risked meeting her father whom she had not seen in 30 years and trusted herself to share her feelings: the gift was connection.
When we trust ourselves, we know we are good enough as we are, with all our strengths and weaknesses. We're not afraid of making mistakes because we know we'll survive, even learn and grow. When we trust ourselves, we live more in alignment with what matters to us. We can make powerful choices. We can stop trying to control life and instead have faith in our ability to respond to it and deal with its messiness.
Self-trust is built on risk taking. As we stretch beyond our idea of ourselves and learn that we can do it, we gain the ability to stretch more. The more we do it, the more we learn we can rely on ourselves.
I say to all my clients, "Believe in yourself - you are already brilliant". Gwennie learned to do just that.
Glynis Ferguson is a member of the Hong Kong International Coaching Community
(info@coachinghk.org)
