SIGNPOSTS
Look back on anger
by Melanie Bryan
People sometimes ask me how to fight fairly. Those with a quick temper can be given to passionate battling, unnerving calmer, more softly-spoken partners with their confrontational style. So how does a warrior become a "fair fighter"?
People certainly do battle differently. In the heat of an argument some are inclined to go for the jugular and try to steamroll over their interlocutor. Others talk problems out quietly, and many prefer to avoid conflict altogether.
Regardless of which style of conflict management a person has developed, recognising disagreements and engaging in them - even if the issue is never settled or no compromise is reached - helps couples deal frankly with difficult issues. However, when personal exchanges consistently include damaging forms of negativity, such as criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling, the impact on the relationship is ultimately destructive.
According to therapist John Gottman, most couples engage in these "terrible four" destructive forms now and then. Yet it is essential to understand the sometimes subtle, but always critical, difference between less damaging forms of negativity and these forms of attack. Anger and disagreement, for instance, are quite distinct from criticism and contempt. In the former, one might say "I'm upset you forgot to pay our Visa bill. I had to pay cash for our tickets and I was very embarrassed."
In the latter, the speaker's remarks would be less specific, more global, aimed less at their partner's actions and more at their general characteristics. For example: "You screwed up again! How much intelligence does it take to pay a bill on time?" This type of attack suggests that not only did the person make a mistake, but that they always make mistakes, humiliate their partner and behave stupidly.
Such toxic patterns of interaction by one or both partners keep the body in a state of unhealthy physical arousal and tension and create a psychological climate of helplessness wherein neither person can surmount the negativity and hostility saturating these interactions. So it is essential to reverse the physiological overload before one can think clearly enough to fight fairly.
When you feel yourself "heating up" take 10 minutes time out. Give yourself a break and take several deep, slow, calming breaths, always breathing out longer than you breathe in. It's a simple and reliable technique that will halt the excessive physiological arousal that typically hijacks a person, driving them further into attack mode.
When you resume the defused discussion, take a few minutes each to quietly convey what you are thinking and feeling, while the other listens, seeking to understand their partner's point of view. Once he or she feels heard and understood, express your point of view. Remember, the goal is mutual understanding, not to overpower, convince or prove yourself right and the other wrong.
Keep in mind this handy definition of compromise: neither person gets all of what they want and both are satisfied with the result. The rewards of becoming a fair fighter who can resolve conflict peaceably are many. You will develop the capacity to understand and empathise with many different types of people in addition to your partner; you will feel better about yourself, more confident and assured in a wider range of situations; and people will enjoy being in your presence because you treat them with respect.
Melanie Bryan runs Mind Matters HK and is a member of the Hong Kong International Coaching Community (info@coachinghk.org)
