SIGNPOSTS
Just say no
by Pia Muggerud
When was the last time you wanted to say no to someone, yet you somehow ended up agreeing and saying the opposite? Not only that, you resent yourself or the other person for not going with your own truth.
My client, Nancy, came to me feeling exhausted and overworked. She was a working mother who took both roles very seriously; putting all her energy into being the best in both areas. She was finding it increasingly challenging to do both well.
At the start, Nancy said her main issue was her irritability, which had not been an issue before. In the past, she had strongly believed that keeping cheerful around challenges made finding a solution easier. Now she said she didn't seem to be able to contain her increasing irritation and it was becoming a big problem, not just for her but for her family.
We started exploring further as to where she thought this problem might have begun. When we looked deeper into the issue of her irritability, and after various exercises and conversations, Nancy admitted that she resented being the "yes girl". By that, she meant that she found it almost impossible to say no to people. Even when she was clear when her answer to a request or demand was no, mostly her response would be yes. Digging deeper, Nancy realised this habit came from years of trying to please her mother.
Nancy had spent a lot of time beating herself up for her behaviour, but as she began to understand what it was costing her in her own integrity and feeling of self worth, she committed to move away from this destructive pattern.
In the past, Nancy had got the acknowledgement and love she needed through pleasing others. She had learned that saying yes, even when it was against her own needs, would get the approval that she needed.
When you make yourself a priority, when you become number one in your own life, it allows you to enjoy when you do say yes to others because it is out of choice and not from a sense of duty. By starting to truly take care of and get clear on what is important to you first, it will help you make choices and decisions that honour your own soul in everyday life.
From years of personal experience, as well as coaching great people, I have learned that when we care deeply for ourselves we naturally begin to care for others - our families, our friends and our greater global community - in a healthier and more effective way.
What did Nancy do to get her life back on track? Although she found it difficult at the start, when she applied herself the five following steps became simpler:
Nancy gave herself permission to put herself first. She started investing in herself and her own well-being. She started asking for support from others. She got clear about what was important to her and took action based on that. She practised saying no every day, no matter how hard she found it.
Nancy would practise first with easy ways, such as saying no to attend a lunch or declining a meeting with a friend when she was more inclined to spend some quality time with herself. Then she moved on to telling the children no when they insisted on getting their own way or when they wanted to stay up past their bedtime.
Over time, not only did the children start settling down when they understood the limits that had been imposed, Nancy noticed that they were much happier because she was happier. Nancy's husband had supported her through the coaching process, and he was over the moon when she would say no to him because he understood just how important this was to his wife.
Now, months later, Nancy admits that there are times when she is tempted to go back to her old habits, but through her own perseverance and commitment, reminds herself of what is important to her, and takes action towards that, simply by saying no.
What can you do today to make the necessary changes your life needs? And how will starting to say no more truthfully have an impact on your mood and general well-being? Start exploring today.
Pia Muggerud is founder and head coach of Copia Coaching, and is a member of the Hong Kong International Coaching Community (info@coachinghk.org)
