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Teen Tactics

by Jaime Simpson

Becoming a teenager can be a stressful time – for your child and the whole family. It seems as if your friendly, loveable child changes overnight into a complex, rebellious stranger. The way you once communicated with them is no longer effective.

During the transitional teenage years young people are changing rapidly, physically and emotionally. They start to form their own values, discover their own identities and find their own purpose in life.

During this time, the foundations for becoming a mature adult are built.

To keep the relationship between teen and parent strong, parents should start their own process of transition – from being the manager of their child to a life coach for their teen.

Being a manager is easy, because you’re in control. You decide what happens and when it happens and your children normally do what they’re told. A managerial approach works well for children aged 11 and under, but once they develop abstract thought and become teenagers it won’t be effective.

Teenagers want parents around, but they don’t want you managing and controlling their lives. However, they desperately need a non-judgmental person to guide them and coach them through their teen years. Normally we associate the term coach with someone who’s in charge of training an athlete or team. This is your role as a parent coach – to provide the training and encouragement for your teenager to mature into a healthy adult.

Here are five key ways to stop managing and instead become a parent coach to your teen:

Be a good role model
A coach always looks within to facilitate change; a manager looks around to facilitate change. It starts with you, not with your teen. Identify the qualities in you that you don’t want to pass down to your teenager. You are the greatest asset to your teenagers: they will learn what they live and live what they learn from you. Be responsible by showing consistency in your own life. Be consistent with your values around boundaries, alcohol, study, relationships and the like.

Listen up
Coaches develop individuals, managers make clones. Recognise that your teenager is an individual, and thinks differently from you – and that’s OK. You don’t think like your parents or your spouse – and that’s OK too. Don’t react to teenagers on their level of maturity. Instead, respond with your level of maturity. Remember, you have more than 20 years’ experience, and you have greater emotional maturity, conflict-resolution skills and confidence. Don’t expect your teen to be on your level.

Listen to understand their core issues. Don’t just try to gain information from your children.

Boosting confidence
Coaches train to build confidence; managers look for results. Build your teenagers’ self-esteem by recognising and respecting their positive qualities rather than only encouraging them for their achievements.

Watch what you say
Coaches draw out decisions; managers make decisions. Encourage teenagers to use their own thought-processes so they can learn to make healthy choices and decisions. Ask “how” and “what” questions rather than “why” questions – teenagers will feel as if they need to justify themselves if you continue to ask “why”.

Build for the future
The most important difference between a coach and a manager is that the former loves the job; managers don’t always love what they do. By taking on a new approach to your parenting, you can alleviate the stress that comes with managing and controlling your teenager and rebuild, restore and renew great family relationships.

Jaime Simpson is a member of the Hong Kong International Coaching Community (info@coachinghk.org)