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Staying Wed

by Jack Tsang

What is a happy marriage? It’s an eternally debatable topic. But a pragmatic definition might be that
it’s one you don’t regret.

Unfortunately, many couples expecting to have a happy marriage before they wed eventually choose a
break-up with hatred.

My experiences of coaching married folk have taught me that love is necessary, but not sufficient
for sustaining a happy marriage.

Gary and Phoebe, married for six years, have gone through many ups and downs. Like many other
couples, they have accumulated a number of unresolved relationship problems. In a few coaching
sessions I have helped them to identify unhappy factors making their married life not very enjoyable:

Boredom: After getting married, they had to get along face-to-face every day and the “fresh feeling” gradually declined. They could easily predict the other’s habits of speech and behaviour. Their living patterns became increasingly mechanical and repetitive: dining at similar restaurants, seeing films or DVDs at weekends and travelling to the same countries.

Miscommunication: They were often shy of talking about sensitive issues, mainly finance and sex. Such lack of communication naturally creates misunderstandings, mistrust and disharmony. Gary often thought Phoebe was overspending. Phoebe sometimes thought Gary’s denial of sex showed he was having an affair.

Emotional problems: Gary did not like to suppress emotions in front of Phoebe. But often Phoebe misinterpreted and mishandled Gary’s bad moods and made him feel even worse. On the other hand,
Phoebe’s lack of emotional control often annoyed Gary.

I explained to them that a couple should manage a marriage like a business, with continuous efforts to
make a “profit” in terms of happiness. After confirming their love, I suggested they work out all practical solutions to eliminate the negative factors. Eventually they came up with the following answers:

Personal space: They’re giving each other more space. In the past, they had been accustomed to doing everything together. Now they have agreed that sometimes they will do things with other friends.

Role playing: Gary has started playing a game with Phoebe by acting as her paramour and “dating”
her. He talks to her differently, invites her out to new, romantic places and gives her surprises from
time to time. Phoebe has recovered the feeling of improved communion between them, which reminds her of the times when she first fell in love with Gary.

Proactive dialogue: They have faced up to the problems created by their different views on money and sex issues by holding meetings regularly. After a sincere dialogue and sharing of thoughts, they have
reached some agreements. For instance, they have committed to having a baby after conducting a
pre-pregnancy health check and making a long-term financial plan.

Soft skills learning: They have had counselling together to learn better ways to deal with their emotions. The main skill they have grasped is listening patiently to each other without making snap judgments or interrupting. And they now use more non-verbal communication.

So who says marriage is the grave of love? Mastering married life can generate even more love.

Jack Tsang, professional coach and trainer at Jacknowledge Ltd, and a member of the Hong Kong International Coaching Community (info@coachinghk.org)