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SIGNPOSTS
Self Help
by Pia Muggerud
When you were young, were you
told that being selfish was a bad
thing? Was getting what you wanted
not as important as other people? I
found one definition in the
dictionary that selfish means
“concerned chiefly or only with
yourself and your advantage to the
exclusion of others”.
Sometimes we need to be a little
selfish. How can we give to others
without first giving what we need to
ourselves? In coaching, we see
selfishness as “caring enough about
yourself to get your needs met.”
When we focus on ourselves and
satisfy our needs, we find that we
have so much more to give and
share. What we have to give will
seem bottomless when we fulfil our
needs first. When we give with
genuine love and generosity
because we are fulfilled, it comes
back to us 100-fold.
My client Anne is a successful
businesswoman and single mother.
Her busy schedule between work
and home doesn’t allow time for her
own needs. Stopping to think about
what she really needs has long been
a foreign concept. When she first
approached me about moving away
from our usual coaching into
focusing on her needs as a person
and as a woman, she could barely
speak about the things that she
needed deeply for herself. Her issue
was finding the time in her schedule
where there was room to make
herself a priority.
I started taking Anne through a
process of rediscovery – peeling
back the thick layers of her business
tasks and her duties as a mother. At
the bottom lay a sadness and
sometimes even resentment.
Sadness because she was
discovering feelings that she had not
allowed herself to connect with for a
long time and resentment because
she felt she had no other options.
Much of her drive has came from
her family’s expectations – that she
is the capable one, that she will
handle everything. Often, Anne
would find herself in autopilot
mode, just doing something out of
habit and duty.
Once Anne was able to get clarity
on some of her needs, it was easier
for her to see that some of them
could easily be fulfilled. She now
understands that getting her needs
met starts with her own awareness.
Once she could see and feel her
deep needs that were hers alone, she
was able to meet them slowly. As she
grew in confidence in her own selfreliance,
she was also able to ask
others for what she needed.
By fulfilling needs that seemed to
be simple, she got the confidence to
start making more allowances for
herself. As she started making room
for herself, it opened up more space
for her to be available to others.
I took Anne through the
following process:
- Clarify your needs by making a list
of them. For example: respect,
safety, trust, love, joy, abundance,
acceptance. These are things you
feel you need to be the best version
of yourself. This makes you feel
satisfied and content.
- Discover why these needs are
important to you. Ask yourself:“Who am I when I get this need met?
How do I act? What do I think about?
What motivates me? Who am I not
when I don’t get this need met?”
- Commit to act. What changes
would you have to make in your life
to meet and satisfy this need? What
would you add? If your first need is
love, choose five loving acts you can
do for yourself this week. Get a
massage, meet a friend for lunch, go
for a walk, take a hot bath, read a
magazine before bed, get a great hair
cut and so on. See how it feels to be
consistent with your behaviour.
Does your view of the world change?
Are you expecting less from others?
So, give yourself permission to be
selfish. Give yourself what you need
first. If getting your needs met
involves other people, you have to
help them. They are not mind
readers – so ask for what you want.
Ask for help, ask for time. Just ask for
what you need. Getting your needs
met is not optional.
Pia Muggerud runs Copia Coaching and a member of the
Hong Kong International Coaching
Community (info@coachinghk.org)
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