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Peer worries

by Gudrun Kittel-Thong

“Hanging out with friends in Mong Kok is more fun than having my parents breathing down my neck at home. They always want to talk,” says 14-year-old John.

And 12-year-old Alice asks: “What’s wrong with meeting older guys? Boys my age are so not grown up. My mum gets on my nerves; she sees rapists and murderers everywhere.”

Fifteen-year-old Eric says there’s no point in going home after school. “Nobody there anyway,” he says. “So I meet up with friends until it’s time for dinner.”

Meanwhile, 14-year-old Mark says he’s “the invisible person” at home. “Mum and Dad argue almost every day,” he says. “As long as I don’t screw up at school I’m off their radar. Once I stayed out all night and they didn’t even notice.”

Children getting into the “wrong” crowd can happen gradually and might not be noticed at first. The onset of puberty and its subsequent emotional and physical changes makes adolescents vulnerable to persuasive influences.

Risk-taking behaviour and the willingness to experiment contribute to a phase in life where, on the one hand, youngsters want to disengage from their parents and develop their own identity, while on the other they need support and guidance. Risk-taking behaviour in peer groups can stem from a number of factors: wanting to provoke or impress; feeling invincible; feeling helpless or having low self-esteem (alcohol and other drugs then help to flee from this reality); a difficult or disturbed family situation, including a hostile attitude towards the adolescent or parents behaving inconsistently.

What can you do if you suspect your child is under some kind of negative influence?

First of all note some of the warning signs: a drastic change of attitude towards you; verbal communication reaching a new low in volume, content, choice of words; changes in outer appearance (clothing, hairstyle, makeup); increased secretiveness; getting overly upset when asked about current (new) friends; coming home (much) later than the agreed time; fluctuation in school grades; an almost hostile and provocative stance. Most of the above can also be part of growing up but if you sense something is “off”, trust your instincts. Here are a few steps to deal with such a situation:

• Communication is the key: talk to your child in a manner that is not accusatory or pleading. Explain your concerns for his/her safety.
• Listen to your child and understand his/her point of view – this does not necessarily mean that you agree with or tolerate it.
• Be open and flexible when it comes to hobbies, dress, hairstyle and pocket money but be clear in areas that contain potential danger: late nights, obscure meeting places, unclear activities.
• Come up with agreements but do not set limits that are an ultimatum showing that you have the ultimate power in decision making. Limits give direction, they are not meant to restrict.
• Discuss and explain consequences, which should be realistic and clear.
• Be consistent – you will be “tested” by your child.
• Model the behaviour that you appreciate. Be punctual yourself, stick to promises you make, treat everyone with respect. Think about how you de-stress – is alcohol involved? Consider your social life – do you live it at home, in town, with or without family? Children are excellent observers and they will follow your model.

When you come home what is it you look forward to most of all? What does your child enjoy about home life? Is there a reason to stay put rather than go out? Negative peer groups pay attention to the individual. They accept undesirable behaviour and provide a “family” away from home.

If you want your child to have a social net that is supportive and that you feel comfortable with, start at home. Take an interest in your child’s activities. Do things together when they are younger. Establish a family routine that involves everyone and let it evolve over the years. Invite their friends to your home. Do not ridicule or criticise them. Most of all, be open and aware that your child isn’t the only one who is changing through the years, for you are too. Try not to be perfect. Follow your instincts and, if necessary, get professional help to get to the next step.

Gudrun Kittel-Thong is director of the Institute of Psychotherapy and Counselling and a member of the Hong Kong International Coaching Community (info@coachinghk.org)