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Control freaks

by Adair Good

Do you always need to be in charge? Do you feel uncomfortable when others take charge? If you answer yes to either of these questions, then you could be labelled a “control freak” and most probably you are one.

I have had many clients who were like this – always needing to be the boss, trying to control situations, their partners and/or their children, and getting upset easily when things don’t go their way.

If you recognise this in yourself, you might feel unhappy and quite anxious about even the most minor things. As a result, everyone around you may feel anxious and scared to be themselves for fear of reprisal.

This is a common problem that exists in most families. There is always a dominant person in the family who tries to control everything, down to where the family might choose to have dinner out, what movie they see and even where they travel for their holidays.

If this sounds like your household, then it can sometimes seem like a war zone with much of the conflict caused by the controller’s behaviour.

Keep in mind this person might be unaware that their actions are the source of conflict. To understand a “control freak” you need to understand the background of the person. Most of my clients that have had the “need to control” behaviour have had experiences in their childhood where they have been confused, felt insecure, even frightened, or had a highly dominant parent(s).

As a result, they felt the need to control their environment later in life and ended up getting more controlling as they got older. An “A” type personality is often a control freak, too. It may only be once they’ve entered a serious relationship, marry or have a family that the controlling behaviour takes over. As others don’t always do as they say, instead of listening to their needs they just dominate everyone.

I assigned one such client to try an exercise called “letting go”. For one week he was to let others do just as they wanted. Specifically, I instructed him to let others close to him at home and at work just be themselves. No instructions, no directions, no bossing around unless absolutely necessary. He was to observe what happened and write down his thoughts each evening.

This is a difficult task for the control freak who always feels the need to give instructions. They so much want to be in charge it pains them to let people do what they do. “Letting go” is all about giving others permission to be themselves.

The results of this assignment were amazing. My client couldn’t believe life could be so simple and so much easier – his partner seemed happier, his staff at work also seemed happier and his children didn’t argue as much. He said he also felt happier and relaxed for perhaps the first time in his life. His spouse, staff and children did things without having to be told.

When we debriefed the assignment he said it was such a breakthrough that he felt like a different person. I was so pleased, as he is now acutely aware of how his behaviour affects others. He had always thought life had to be difficult because that is how he made it. He is much happier in life now: his marriage, work and family relationships are much stronger than before and he’s enjoying everyone around him much more. He celebrates the unique differences in those close to him and never saw these before as he was too busy giving orders and directions.

If you are a “control freak” and recognise this behaviour in yourself – remember we all have it in us, some more than others – then try this assignment on your own or give a coach a call if you need some support. Ask those who care enough about you to be honest if there are controlling tendencies at work.

Being a “control freak” will make you unhappy and create so much conflict in your life. It’s never too late to change and become the person you deserve to be.

Adair Good is director of Essential Coaching and a member of the Hong Kong International Coaching Community(info@coachinghk.org)