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SIGNPOSTS
To err is human

by S.K. Shum

David was 13 when he tried to steal an HK$11item from a store in Causeway Bay last year. His mother, my client, received a call from the police in the middle of the night telling her David had been caught red-handed.

His mother asked me to accompany her to the station because she didn’t know what to do. Neither did I, but I went along. She sobbed all the way, worried that her son might be prosecuted.

The story didn’t turn out that way. He was released with a warning not to steal again. If he did, he would certainly be prosecuted.

Weeks after the event, I coached David. He described the horrible feeling he had when he was put in the cell for the night with adults. It was a strong enough message for David that he never wanted to be in the same situation again. He had learnt a lesson.

Many parents naturally try, with good intentions, to save their children from making mistakes. They want to protect them from pain, disappointment and embarrassment. But in doing so they risk robbing their children of self-confidence, of a positive attitude about mistakes, and of skills that could be learned from mistakes.

Parenting is a growing process for adults as well as children. When parents learn to let go by allowing mistakes, they allow their children to develop according to their uniqueness – rather than trying to mould them into someone they want them to be.

Some parents are afraid their children will make mistakes that could ruin their lives. They argue that they can’t let their children make the kind of mistake that could really hurt them.

The example of David is perhaps a bit too much for most parents and, of course, we have to use common sense. We don’t want our children to learn from the mistake of running into a busy street.

Nevertheless, too many parents use the “need to protect” excuse, which creates more damage than good. Other parents are more concerned with their own reputations than with the growth of their children.

They’re afraid that their children’s mistakes reflect on them. “I’m so embarrassed about what you’ve done. What will people think?”

We may never know what other people think, but we do know that children feel conditionally loved in such a situation. Their self-esteem diminishes, and they’re more likely than ever to compound their mistakes rather than to learn from them.

As our children are more important than “what other people think”, we should be asking: “What was that experience like for you?”

One of the best ways to teach children that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn, is to see the value of mistakes and to practise this principle ourselves.

We should look at the ways we’ve handled them in the past. When we make mistakes, we can either feel inadequate, humiliated and like a failure or we can look for the opportunities to learn.

Instead of perpetuating feelings of judgment and guilt by focusing on the mistake itself, children will learn more if parents teach them to evaluate how they feel about the result of their decision, to understand how the result came about (David was put in the cell for a night), and to determine what they might do differently next time (David will think twice before repeating such acts).

We can use this same process to evaluate our own mistakes. Our illusionary fears about mistakes disable our children and ourselves. By contrast, the ability to learn from mistakes is encouraging and enhances our relationships.

It’s not easy to admit making mistakes and react to them in a more positive light, but mistakes are a small price to pay for the valuable lessons that can be learned. Give yourself and your children a break and remember that, in parenting, mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn.

SK Shum is the current President of the Hong Kong International Coaching Community. He can be reached at president@coachinghk.org or http://www.serenitycoaching.net