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by Adair Good

Getting the relationship you want is the key, but what kind of relationship do you want? If you got it, how would you recognise it? I put this question to a client recently and got the answer: “Not sure really, I’ve never thought about it. I just know I haven’t got it”.

So I challenged my client to create her ideal vision of a loving relationship. First, we did a visualisation exercise. I had her close her eyes and imagine herself transported five years into the future. What age would she be? Would she be in the same job and doing the same things or doing something new? Would she still be in Hong Kong? Who would she be with? Could she see herself happy and laughing, really enjoying her partner and her kids?

My client was startled by the clarity of vision in her mind’s eye. She realised the relationship she visualised was quite different from the one she has now, but she knew she still loved her partner. So we decided to start afresh by setting out what she really wanted.

Next we ascertained her level of selfesteem. It’s vital to determine this when talking about relationships, as unhealthy or unhappy ones are usually linked to low self-esteem, and more often than not in both partners. When our self-esteem is low, we behave inauthentically and others find it hard to connect deeply with us. You won’t attract love from anyone else if you don’t first love yourself.

I also challenged my client to focus on all the things she already enjoyed with her partner, not what was missing. Focusing on the positive is the first rule of relationships, because whatever we focus upon is magnified. (We’ve all seen this in children, who are often told what not to do rather than what to do. For instance, telling a child “Don’t run” rather than “Walk” puts the emphasis on running.) Suddenly she was able to see those long-forgotten qualities that first attracted her to her partner.

Finally, we worked on celebrating the gifts she had that others may lack by reflecting on questions such as: Why should someone fall in love with you? What qualities might encourage your existing partner to stay in love with you?

She wrote a list of her best attributes as if she were writing a personal-column ad: loving, compassionate, understanding, affectionate, playful, funny, and so on.

To create your own vision, first do the visualisation exercise with someone you trust. Then take a large piece of paper and some coloured pens, title it “My Relationship Vision” and divide the page into six squares.

In each square, write an attribute you would like to see in your partner or potential partner, then underneath each draw or describe an example of how that would be demonstrated. Under a heading of understanding, for example, you might write “listening to my worries and concerns”.

Be really honest with yourself about what you want, and then focus upon creating that, otherwise you might end up in a relationship you never intended to get into.

If your self-esteem is low, work on that first, as my client did, by writing a list of your best attributes. Discovering all the loveable qualities in yourself will open you up enough for you to formulate a clear vision of the kind of relationship you want. Keep this vision where you can see it every day until it becomes a reality.

Adair Good is director of Essential Coaching and a member of the Hong Kong International Coaching Community(info@coachinghk.org)