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Tough talk

by Alan Stewart

There are times when we must have a tricky conversation. This might be about difficulties in a relationship, asking for a salary increase, resolving a thorny problem at work or matters of money in a family – even asking neighbours to keep their dog quiet.

Essentially, we want to let the other person know our thoughts regarding an issue we feel strongly about. For example, we want to tell a friend that his words or actions have been hurtful to us; or we see in him a pattern of behaviour that concerns us; or we want to express an opinion that is contrary to his. We intuit, however, that bringing up the subject will precipitate a conflict.

Most of us, however, find this difficult to do. There is no anaesthesia for the pain of a difficult conversation, but the purpose is not to make the difficulty go away, it’s to have the conversation more effectively.

These conversations are genuinely hard and we agonise over them, knowing they could raise difficulties in the future and yet knowing also that not confronting them will likely lead to prolonged dissatisfaction. Here is an illustrative story, with pointers for engaging in difficult conversations with
more confidence and skill – and less anxiety.

A family I know migrated to a new country with their young children. They were in the process of getting established when the wife’s parents announced they planned to retire in the same city as their daughter and her family, not knowing anyone else there.

This generated potential tensions as the retirees reportedly expected routines to be set up in which virtually every weekend would entail getting together.

The younger couple decided to use a visit from the retirees to initiate a conversation about what they saw as the value of living in the same place, and how their respective needs and wishes could be clarified.

Unfortunately, the retirees didn’t enter into the spirit of this exchange, meaning the issue was not resolved satisfactorily.

A number of key points arise from this story.

• Were expectations on the part of the initiators of the conversations unrealistic? All parties must be willing to examine how they have contributed to the situation.

• Was there a clear invitation, expressed well in advance, to consider the responsibilities for coming to a mutually satisfactory arrangement and lay the groundwork for a constructive conversation?

• Did the initiators enter into the exercise with a sense of curiosity and experimentation? The surest path to a good conversation is to trust your own curiosity. If you’re having trouble connecting with someone, ask questions until you understand them. If what you’re hearing doesn’t make sense, keep talking until it does. When in doubt, step back, look the other person in the eye, and ask directly,
“What just happened here?” Or, “What are we really talking about?”

On the other hand, the hardest part is knowing when to keep our mouths shut. The more you know about how the other person sees the situation, the better the conversation. And the more you can listen without passing judgment or without prematurely going into action mode, the more meaningful
the interaction will be.

• To what extent were emotions handled well by the initiators? The storyteller did not reveal this. We can assume, however, that it was unlikely to have been done well – given their lack of experience at the time.

Often, emotions are at the heart of what’s happening. The skill is to work these into the conversation, not emotionally, sharing these as carefully and thoughtfully as possible. How we handle our own feelings can make all the difference to the outcome.

As you may suspect there is more to approaching difficult conversations with confidence and skill than can be covered here.

What I’ve outlined could be of value to you if you’re reminded that to be a competent conversationalist is a skill that you can learn if you recognise that it’s important.

Alan Stewart is a member of the Hong Kong International Coaching Community(info@coachinghk.org)