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Do parents make the grade?

by Michelle Gabbe

Emphasis on childhood education dominates parenting in affluent societies, and perhaps nowhere
more so than in Hong Kong. But do poor grades necessarily equate with intellectual capability or
contribution? Not if you measure success according to the likes of Albert Einstein, Helen Keller and
Thomas Edison, who all rose from early mediocrity to achievement.

About a year ago, a client’s cooperative, bright young daughter simply didn’t want to learn to read.
This went on for months.

It was only when her parents went back to their old loving habit of reading her favourite bedtime
stories to her, and occasionally mentioning the fringe benefits of freedom and independence that
readers enjoy, her interest and reading ability blossomed.

Parents should consider the following questions:

• What’s in it for me for my child to perform according to others’ expectations?
• What would it say about me if he brought home average grades?
• How would I handle it if she failed a subject, or even an entire grade?
• What did my parents do well in the handling of my education? What actions might have been more helpful if they had known better?
• Have I learned more from my successes or failed attempts?
  

Sometimes, parents’ efforts to improve on their childhood experiences can mean a repeat of the very same experiences for their offspring. Although a commitment to giving your children a strong formal education is a noble endeavour, attaching yourself to the outcome can be damaging for everyone involved.

Success stories of exceptions to the education rule abound in the media. Nowadays, employers consider not only scholastic achievement, but also assess cognitive ability, work preference and behavioural profiles when hiring, so be clear with your children about the real-world benefits of excelling in the classroom. How will external measures of success translate into an inner-sense of
fulfilment?

When you’re disappointed in your child’s school performance, try these tips to help him or her envision a bright future.

• Is there a problem? Your child might be enjoying the negative attention coming from their low test
scores. Does your kid get more one-on- one time with you as a result? Is his irreverence admired by his
peers? What appears to you a problem may feel perfectly comfortable to your child. Help them realise what benefits can also come from changing his approach to a constructive one.

• Hand over responsibility. Declare to your child that they are now responsible for completing and
turning in homework. You’ll still be there for help and support, but make it clear to her and her teachers that you won’t be reminding, cajoling, or otherwise backseat driving the process any longer. This may result in a short period of flailing and floundering, and you must be willing to resist the urge to rescue, at least for a bit.

• Look out for labels. How might your child see herself? Does she have a designated role – a born mathematician, unimaginative, a class clown, musically gifted, nonathletic, and so on. The longer these
characteristics are reinforced, the more intrinsic and fixed they will seem. Children tend to deliver on the expectations of those around them.

• Focus on what’s already right. Resist the temptation to magnify a problem by turning the entire
family’s attention to it. Instead, build on their strengths to brainstorm solutions around the problem area.

• Stay curious. Does your child see you as an enthusiastic learner, or someone who is too exhausted by their work to feel passionate about anything else? Encourage your child to share their knowledge with you.

Michelle Gabbe runs Guided Energy and is a member of the Hong Kong International Coaching Community (info@coachinghk.org)