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Growing Pains

by SK Shum

Contrary to what some parents think, teenagers aren’t another species. At times it may seem that
way and no-one has ever said that living with a teenager is easy.

A survey carried out in September by the Hong Kong Federation of Youth Groups found 61.8 per cent of parents had arguments with their children over the past 12 months on issues ranging from the internet, school work, laziness to being slobbish (see table).



The survey, which questioned 1,000 parents and their children aged 10 to 19, found that 29.3 per
cent resorted to violence to settle their differences.

But this is not the answer and there are strategies you can use to make life with your teenager somewhat easier.

Come off the emotional boil: The worst thing a parent can do in an argument with a teenager is to
join in the emotional frenzy. Try to remain as calm as you can and keep a sense of balance.

It can be one of the hardest things to do but when people are upset they often cloud their argument by bringing up all sorts of points that might have nothing to do with the real reason why they are upset.

Put pen to paper: Writing down points as your teenager is speaking will give both of you the chance to resolve the problem. It also helps your teenager know you have a level of detachment. You are listening but not necessarily reacting emotionally to what they are telling you. It will also teach them the usefulness of writing things down and show them that sometimes what causes emotional turmoil can be quite small and easily sorted out. It shows that some things will remain irritating until you get
them off your chest. But make sure you can both see what is being written, otherwise it can inflame the situation.

Break the cycle: To get out of the endless cycle of the teenager whingeing, you worrying and then you giving in, you have to let them know your bottom line.

A bottom line means everyone knows it is non-negotiable. Without a bottom line, an immature teenager may think everything is up for grabs.

If you feel confident in yourself and have set limits, you are giving yourself a protection when conflict begins. More importantly, you are teaching teenagers that progress comes from setting limits and from
understanding these limits.

Stick to your guns: Teenagers may try to make you feel guilty, embarrassed, mean or oldfashioned
for setting limits but you need to remember that what you are doing is teaching them about real life. Everyone has a right to set their own limits and you want your teenagers to know they have the right to set their own. Adulthood is easier if you have the confidence to set your limits.

Put yourselves in their shoes: Sometimes teenagers can feel bullied by a situation and no-one else realises they are suffering. Many teenagers find coping with the demands of being a teenager and dealing with big changes in their lives exhausting and overwhelming. Their bodies are changing. The demands at school are changing and their friends might be changing. They feel as though all the adjustments have to be made by them and no-one is helping them cope.

Be a model: Teenagers need help to learn how to deal with their life as calmly as possible. They need
ways to cope with conflict and the best way is to learn from their parents. Teenagers watch what
their parents do more than they listen to what they say. Check whether you are unintentionally
being an unhelpful model for your teenager.

Dealing with teenagers is no easy task. All members of the family need to be motivated, able to cope with disappointments and difficulties, and deal with everyday life.

No matter what age your children are, if you are not handling problems well, they will find life tricky too. All of us function better if we give ourselves space to think and reflect. Remember, teenagers aren’t another species; not long ago we were one of them too.

S.K. Shum is former president of the Hong Kong International Coaching Community (info@coachinghk.org)