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Hello, stranger

by Alan Stewart

There are few places where it’s possible to talk with strangers naturally and easily – and I’m not referring to pick-up bars. I mean a cafe or a hotel, where places are set aside for anyone to join in the conversation.

You may be intrigued to know that such places do exist. I know of two – one is a B&B in San Francisco called the Red Vic. The owner of this lovely little place invites all of the guests to have breakfast together on Wednesdays and Sundays.

At such gatherings there’s an opportunity to meet people you wouldn’t normally encounter.

There was a couple who had met a few months previously through speed dating and were on their honeymoon. A single man told me that he had made a lot of money from his IT business, but had neglected his wife and family, who said: “Enough, we’re out of here.” Now, he travels the world working as a DJ.

Another place where strangers can talk to each other is Third Place Books in Seattle. People can drop in to buy a book or magazine and talk with people they don’t know.

This has become a remarkably successful community centre, with regular musical entertainment, poetry readings, cooking demonstrations, art activities for children and informal opportunities to meet others. Many locals say it’s a wonderful way to get to know each other.

Why talk to strangers? If you’ve done this, at least once in your life, you may remember how much pleasure it gave you. Among the reasons for this may have been:

• Surprise at how warmly the person responded to your initiative
• How easy it is to talk to someone you don’t know
• What you learned about the person which you couldn’t possibly have guessed
• The fascinating elements of someone’s life which are very different to yours
• How much you have in common with the other person
• How the experience brightened your day.

There may be times when the stranger says: “Sorry, I can’t talk to you now.” This happened to me once on a ferry. I sat next to a woman and commented on the lovely breeze. A few days later, she approached me, introduced herself and said: “I had some work to complete the other day. How are you today?”

Hong Kong is ideal for saying hello to strangers. Good places to do this are in a lift, or waiting in a queue at a bank or cafeteria.

A friend of mine does this regularly in the IFC building, where he has an office. He smiles at a person and asks: “How is your day going?” This has led to remarkable acquaintances.

When we think about starting a conversation, we can take comfort in the fact that it’s something we can all do. We’re awakening an ancient practice: a way of being that we all remember.

In her book Turning to One Another – Simple Conversations to Restore Hope to the Future, Margaret Wheatley encourages people to trust their intuition and spend time talking.

“We can also take courage from the fact that many people are longing to be in conversation again,” she writes.

“We are hungry for a chance to talk. People want to tell their story, and are willing to listen to yours. People want to talk about their concerns and struggles. Too many of us feel isolated, strange, or invisible. Conversation helps end that. “I find it takes just one person to have the courage to begin a conversation. It only takes one because everyone else is eager for the conversation. They’re just waiting for someone else to begin it. They aren’t quite as brave as you,” Wheatley writes.

Here are some possible conversation starters:

• Say, “hello”, “good morning” or a similar greeting
• Give a compliment • Ask for information
• Comment about the situation you’re both in – for example, the current topic in your class, waiting in line, or the price of books
• Comment on something around you – for example, a poster, painting, or sculpture, the music at a party
• Request or offer assistance
• Disclose something about yourself
• Tell a joke.

What could happen when you begin a conversation with a stranger – a friend you haven’t yet met? You could be delightfully surprised, not least by how trust is quickly established – and by what you learn about yourself. There are many opportunities for conversation, however brief. Who knows what taking these will bring?

Alan Stewart is a member of the Hong Kong International Coaching Community (info@coachinghk.org)