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Hear and now

by Vivien Eakin

Tony is in his 40s, lacks self-worth and is under constant pressure to manage his staff and give his best to clients. He also has a demanding wife and two small children. He loves being listened to, but feels he rarely gets the chance.

Being heard is one of the most powerful of human needs. Tony remembers his parents never listened to him, nor understood or acknowledged his needs. He’s still constantly trying to please people in order to get this need met, so doesn’t feel he can say no.

Real communication can only happen when both parties feel listened to and understood, and that doesn’t happen when either one’s in a rush or has something else on their mind. Tony told his life coach he feels pressured when clients want to have a discussion during a consultation – it stops him focusing on the subject.

After considering alternatives, Tony decided to ask clients to book a separate appointment to discuss further questions. By doing so, he acknowledges his own needs.

Good listening can occur only when the listener gives their full attention. Feeling ignored or dismissed is painful, especially when it happens repeatedly.

When listening, Tony also has to put aside what he wants to say to be receptive to the speaker. Effective listening means being sincerely interested in what the speaker is saying, participating by focusing fully, supporting them by looking at them, nodding and making encouraging sounds (“I hear you”), clarifying (“what I heard you say was …”), and relating to their feelings (“so you feel …”). He may ask questions to understand more and to help the speaker develop his thinking and explore new directions.

A good listener also tunes in to the tone of voice, body language and what the speaker doesn’t say.

When Tony had the chance to feel truly listened to, he arrived at new solutions, reaching new levels of self-awareness and confidence.

Vivien Eakin is a member of the Hong Kong International Coaching Community (info@coachinghk.org)