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Parent trap

by Jack Tsang

When I was studying introductory psychology at university, a lecturer gave me a good lesson about choosing a wife.

“When you’re dating a woman, don’t just pay attention to how well she treats you, but also how she deals with her family,” he said.

Marriage isn’t just love between two people. We establish new families after leaving the families we were born into. But do we ever really leave our original families? Memories of childhood and adolescence are imprinted by parental behaviour. Our parents are our role models.

Our pre-marriage behaviour is mainly learned from our peers and society because we have fewer opportunities to learn from our parents. Once we get married, however, we unconsciously revert to parental patterns. It may be the beginning of a disaster.

Zoe and Roy were headed for just such a problem. Roy told me about the difficulties of getting along with Zoe after their honeymoon period had ended. She often complained about his supposedly lax financial planning and attempted to control his spending. But Roy hadn’t noticed her controlling behaviour before they got married.

When talking to Zoe, I suggested that she do the following:

• List all of Roy’s unsatisfactory behaviours
• Explain the reasons behind her dissatisfaction
• Figure out the feelings behind the reasons for her dissatisfaction
• Associate those feelings with her memories of her family

Zoe was unhappy with Roy’s unilateral decision to buy a plasma TV without consulting her. She thought he didn’t respect her. But looking into her heart, she found a feeling of insecurity.

She traced this to her childhood, when her mother was deserted by her father. Her mother had always told her that men were neither reliable nor responsible.

Because Zoe had grown up with a good education, she believed she could have a happier marriage. Unfortunately, with her mother’s negative messages, she had become oversensitive about financial issues, even though Roy was a selfdisciplined, considerate man.

I suggested that Zoe have a frank talk with her mother, Susan – not about her current problems with Roy – but about the relationship between her parents. Initially, Susan was reluctant to revisit those painful days, but she revealed her regret at having married a gambling addict and admitted she had fooled herself into marrying Zoe’s father to escape from her poor family.

After hearing Susan’s confession, Zoe realised two things: she’s different from her mother, being financially independent and not regarding marriage as a meal ticket; and Roy is different from her father, being a responsible, hard-working man who takes care of the family (although sometimes he overspends on gadgets).

Zoe said that in the past she had angered her mother for saying she had given her an unpleasant childhood, but that she now feels released and accepts Susan more.

“If a woman doesn’t accept her mother, she can never be a good wife,” German family therapist Bert Hellinger said. “If a man doesn’t accept his father, he can never be a good husband.”

Of course, Roy also has problems stemming from his family background, and he benefited from going through the same exercise. He had a harsh mother and has a low tolerance for being controlled. Now, he’s able to put himself into Zoe’s shoes and vice versa. Understanding your partner’s bond with the family they were born into is critical in any decision you make about marriage. If your partner is never willing to speak about it, you may want to be cautious.

Jack Tsang is a member of the Hong Kong International Coaching Community (info@coachinghk.org)